Experience a Pro Bowl Unlike Anything You've Ever Seen Before

Mike Tanier@@miketanierNFL National Lead WriterJanuary 25, 2018

AFC quarterback Philip Rivers (17), of the Los Angeles Chargers, warms up before the first half of the NFL Pro Bowl football game Sunday, Jan. 29, 2017, in Orlando, Fla. (AP Photo/Phelan M Ebenhack)
B/R

Welcome to Bleacher Report's live blog of the 2018 Pro Bowl

That's right, folks, the Pro Bowl was rescheduled from Sunday night to Thursday morning, or whenever the heck you are reading this, because of a staggering lack of fan/sponsor/participant interest. But don't worry if you cannot get to a television to watch the game. Our running updates and exclusive coverage will make you feel like you're right there in Orlando, Florida. Or…Daytona? Des Moines? Wherever they hold this sucker.

We've mic'd up* several players and personalities at this year's game to get you closer to the action than ever before, including the Buffalo Bills' four-time AFC Pro Bowl offensive lineman Richie Incognito. Incognito, as you know, was accused of directing racial slurs at Jaguars defender Yannick Ngakoue at the end of the Bills' playoff loss, the latest in a long line of incidents which are often explained away as a big misunderstanding, right, Richie?

Incognito: I'm the least racist person you have ever interviewed. That I can tell you. (* All NFL player and personality quotes are fictitious figments of a twisted imagination. But you probably knew that.)

Can't argue with that! Incognito took part in the Pro Bowl Skills Challenge this week and was the surprise victor in the Problematic Behavior Obstacle Course, getting past the rabbi and female executive and making it all the way to the convenience-store clerk before saying something that brought shame to both the NFL and our great nation. All of the other competitors were eliminated by the first obstacle when they took part in a peaceful protest for basic human rights.

The AFC will kick off to start the game. Pharoh Cooper waits at the goal line to field the kickoff andfumbles! That gives the AFC the ball near its own goal line.

With Ben Roethlisberger last seen wheeling an enormous birthday cake into Mar-a-Lago, Philip Rivers gets the start.

Mike Tomlin and his staff are coaching the AFC squad. But with Todd Haley now in Cleveland, where he is busy disarming the booby traps Hue Jackson installed in the offensive coordinator's office, guest play-callers will be running the offense for the AFC. First up is…oh no, it's Atlanta Falcons offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian. Let's listen in to the mic'd up NFC defense as the AFC breaks the huddle.

Jeff Haynes/Associated Press

Malcolm Jenkins: That's a sprint out. The same thing they called on fourth down against us in the playoffs.

Earl Thomas: Yep. Keenan Allen is the first read. Antonio Brown's a decoy. Classic Sarkisian thinking: Do what you always do, ignore your best player.

Luke Kuechly: If you guys have this covered, I'm going to blitz and eat the quarterback's soul.

Ouch! An AFC fumble gives the NFC the ball right back. And Sean Payton is fired up! Payton, now notorious for the kind of trash talk that would get a high school player kicked off his team, is giving the NFC bench the choke signal, the neener-neener signal and a rare thumb-to-the-groin gesture that would get him imprisoned in some other countries.

Russell Wilson will start for the NFC because Drew Brees disappeared into Disney World with his kids and has not been seen since. What a treat for Wilson: His offensive line includes Dallas Cowboys Travis Frederick, Zack Martin and Tyron Smith, so he'll enjoy quality protection for a change.

Wilson takes the first-down snap and waits, waits some more…and throws an incomplete pass over the head of Davante Adams. Wilson is mic'd up, so let's find out what went wrong on that play.

Russell Wilson: Guys, what the heck was that?

Travis Frederick: We gave you a clean pocket.

Wilson: A Hot Pocket?

Tyron Smith: No, a clean pocket!

Wilson: A clean garment?

Zack Martin: A clean pocket!

Wilson:what what?

Davante Adams: Why is everyone angry? That was the most successful play I have been involved in since Aaron Rodgers got injured.

Wilson: I don't know how to deal with this thing where there are no defenders trying to pulverize me. Jimmy, call the boys.

Uh-oh, Jimmy Graham is on his smartphone and has called five random bouncers from Orlando nightclubs out of the crowd. No, wait, that's the Seahawks offensive line, all of whom have just finished double servings of loaded nachos and are slightly less ready for game day than if they spent a week being coached by Tom Cable!

Wilson drops back on second down. He eludes Joey Bosa, Jadeveon Clowney, a beer vendor and Germain Ifedi, who briefly forgot which team he is on and which position he plays. But—ouchKhalil Mack strips Wilson before he can throw, giving the AFC the ball.

You're in for a special treat now, folks. The next guest play-caller for the AFC is new Raiders coach Jon Gruden, and, of course, he is mic'd up.

HONOLULU, HI - JANUARY 27: Russell Wilson #3 of the Seattle Seahawks and the NFC scrambles against the AFC team during the 2013 Pro Bowl at Aloha Stadium on January 27, 2013 in Honolulu, Hawaii.  (Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)
Scott Cunningham/Getty Images

Jon Gruden: This guythis guy right hereis gonna fool them with Spider 2 Y Banana.

Philp Rivers: Um, coach? Everyone knows Spider Y Banana.

Gruden: It'll blow their minds. Trust me: I'm rich.

Rivers: Seriously, coach. Like, it's literally the cliche of coaching jargon. It's a Madden play. Have you not had any original ideas since 2004?

Gruden: I can't work with this guy. Find me a Brad Johnson-type.

Wow, more squabbling on the sideline. Meanwhile, there are substitutions on the NFC defense. Landon Collins is at safety anduh-oh, it looks like last-minute injury replacement Eli Apple is out there, too. You might recall that Collins went on a New York sports talk station and basically threw Apple under the A-C-E subway line late in the season. Let's hope there's no friction between the teammates.

Eli Apple: Hey, Landon, I hope there are no hard feelings. Here: I cooked you dinner!

Landon Collins: This is a Pop-Tart.

Apple: Gimme a break, man! You know I can't cook!

Collins: (facepalms) Eli, you didn't make the Pro Bowl. What are you even doing here?

Apple: Beats me, bro. My field pass reads "Eli Manning."

The NFC secondary doesn't quite look ready as Rivers takes the snap and fires to Delanie Walker in the corner of the end zone for a touchdown! Walker is here as a replacement for Rob Gronkowski, who is preparing for the Super Bowl but still found time to record this important public service announcement for kids of all ages.

Rob Gronkowski: Fellow citizens, don't eat detergent. Also, always turn pot handles in when cooking on the stove, dudes.

Gronk's message came not a moment too soon: Two Seahawks linemen just spat out detergent pods on the sideline when they heard it. Where would we be without public service announcements?

With the AFC ready to kick off, it looks like Incognito has taken over as the guest AFC play-caller. Let's listen in!

Mike Tomlin: An onside kick? Are you sure that's a smart idea?

Incognito: I'm a stable genius. My IQ is one of the highest, and you know it. And I think I'm much more humble than you would understand.

Tomlin: Oh well, I have no idea when to run these things. And it's not like my opponent called the most famous surprise onside kick in history or anything. Let's do it!

It looks like Payton anticipated a surprise onside kick and put his "hands team" in the game. The ball bounces straight to Cooper—who fumbles! But Pro Bowl special teamer Budda Baker pounces on it. Payton is taunting the AFC bench by…oh my, that move usually can only be seen in the back rooms of Tijuana strip clubs.

Now Incognito is getting into it with Payton and a full-fledged rumble is breaking out, folks. The Seahawks offensive linemen are trying to restore order, and…they just accidentally lit themselves on fire. This is ugly. This may be the end of the Pro Bowl forever.

But wait…a glowing figure is descending from heaven behind the AFC end zone, unearthly power crackling from his fingertips. Could it be…

Rick Scuteri/Associated Press

Jimmy Garoppolo: Silence! Thou hast made a mockery of this great game!

This is unprecedented. The booming voice of 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo is reverberating through the stadium, and players are as shocked as we are.

Apple: Look, Landon. Up in the sky! It's a legendary Pokemon!

Collins: Eli, you are a festering pustule on the butt cheek of our locker…

Garoppolo: Silence! Thine impudent infighting displeases me. Thou hast proved unworthy custodians of this All-star exhibition!

Now the Blue Angels, who delighted the crowd with a patriotic pregame flyover, have scrambled to intercept Garoppolo. But with a wave of his mighty right arm, he has turned their fighter jets into butterflies above the stadium, the pilots themselves parachuting away like it's a G.I. Joe cartoon. Incognito may be humanity's last line of defense against the angry 49ers quarterback turned demigod.

Incognito: I know more about this guy than generals do. Believe me. Why can't we use nuclear weapons?

Garoppolo: Silence! Look at what a farce this game has become. Disinterested legends at quarterback. B-listers everywhere. Postseason goats and sources of locker room friction. Obnoxious personalities impossible to root for. Fans are correct to ignore you and watch Pit Bulls and Parolees instead. And though I have evolved into a life form as far above humans as you are above the lowly dung beetle, I deign in my benevolence to revive interest in the Pro Bowl.

Wow, folks. How did the New England Patriots ever let this guy go? Someone should write an investigative report…

Garoppolo: Silence! Behold as I throw the most beautiful touchdown pass thou shalt ever witness!

Garoppolo has removed the headset from Payton, who drops to his knees in penitence. He has called his own play, a deep sideline pass to Stefon Diggs, of Minneapolis Miracle fame, who materialized out of nowhere and is now weaving through the AFC defense!

Maybe it's the perfection of the play itself, or the fact Garoppolo now speaks like the King James Bible. Or maybe it's just that players like Garoppolo and Diggs bring back positive memories from the season and playoffs instead of bad vibes, but…I'm seeing colors I have never seen before. My God, the Pro Bowl is full of stars!

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - JANUARY 14:  Stefon Diggs #14 of the Minnesota Vikings celebrates after scoring a touchdown to defeat the New Orleans Saints in the NFC Divisional Playoff game at U.S. Bank Stadium on January 14, 2018 in Minneapolis, Minnesota.  (Photo b
Jamie Squire/Getty Images

Now, Graham Gano just needs to kick the extra point to tie the game and send us into thrilling sudden-death overtime! Annnnndddd…it's wide right.

Garoppolo: Kickers. What can ya do, amiright? Peace out.

It looks like Garoppolo has blinked into a higher plane of consciousness, leaving us mere mortals to fend for ourselves.

And with a slightly greater feeling of existential emptiness than we usually get from watching an entire Pro Bowl, this is Bleacher Report signing off for today. Tune in next year, when the game will be held behind a recreational marijuana dispensary in Colorado and 400 players will show up to participate, half of them from the NBA.

   

Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report. He is also a co-author of Football Outsiders Almanac and teaches a football analytics course for Sports Management Worldwide. Follow him on Twitter: @MikeTanier.

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